Top 5 tips on how to be successful at life

I've been on this earth for 21 years and I think its about time, I shared my thoughts on how to be successful. Things that any individual can do to better themselves. Even I might try it in due time. Although I think my success will come later in life, mainly fuelled by the fact that it hasn't occurred already. Well, I say that but I managed to scoop the prom king award, at the end of school prom, that's success. I won £50 once on a scratch card, that's success. I've been to many amazing places around the world, although that's mainly down to my parents success. OK, so I'm clutching at straws. Not ideal. I'm about as successful as a bag of sand. Which in a flood, is actually successful.... I should shut up and move on now. 

Just to clarify, this isn't a list about how you should follow your passion or believe in the 'path' left for you. That stuff is all metaphorical clutter that won't actually help you in life. It would be like trying to build something without the instructions. Impossible. What people need is a 'go to' set of principles that can be used in everyday life. So here goes:

1. Being late for work: Everyone has woken up late for work at some point in their working career. You roll over to find your clock reads half an hour after you should of got up. Panic stations. NO WAY! Phone up work and say you've woken up late and will be in asap. Then proceed to get up and get ready as you normally would. There's no point rushing around like a headless chicken as it will ruin your day. Accept your late and get on with life. You can't rush success. You might even get sympathy from colleagues who empathise with your situation. This is an added bonus which should be milked to death when you get to work, if it does occur.
2. Learning how to lie: Another vital key to success is being able to bullshit lie about anything. This is a vital trait for anyone to acquire. If you can't lie, how will you get on with everyone? Which you will need to do, to be truly successful. And this skill is transferable, from the work place to everyday life. It will turn you into a potential bitch, but its worth it for the success it will bring. e.g. You don't have a clue what someone is on about, but you still smile and nod. This is lying. Didn't like something you had for dinner, but you still say it's nice. Yep, you're getting the right idea. 
3. When cops flash their lights at you: There will be a time in life when you may be approached by the police when your driving your car. Maybe, you get caught doing 35 in a 30. Don't pull over. Success didn't come to anyone who pulls over. Picture those flashing lights as your chance to impress the police. They want to see how fast you can really drive, don't let them down. If you go fast enough, you may even get on the TV. This is great publicity for yourself and could potentially boost your successfulness massively within a few minutes. 
4. Don't make a prat out of yourself: Even if you do something really embarrassing, remember not to let it show. If anything, explain how you meant to do it and that your proud of it. Showing weakness to others by making an idiot of yourself is a defo no go. That doesn't mean that you can't think your an idiot at times, just don't let others realise it. Success is strength leaving the body. Weakness is for the weak. Don't be weak. 
5. Live within your means: Rule of thumb, if you can't afford it, don't buy it. It's as simple as that. Success is not something that you can lie about (see 2nd point). If you can only afford a little car, why bother buying a big one and trying to finance and run it. Very silly. Also people will think your more successful than you really are. Which means your not successful. See what I'm getting at here? If you can only afford Lidl, don't shop in M and S or Waitrose, until you can genuinely afford to. 

Follow these steps and your success in life will be guaranteed!

The irony is umbareable

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